Patience. When I started this blog, that’s one of the things I said that my last relationship taught me — I need to learn how to practice patience.
In truth, I never really knew if we were broken up or not in his mind, only that he wanted space, that he was leaving, and that he didn’t want to see me. I also knew that I was more hurt by the whole situation than I was prepared to deal with, so I dealt as best I could, but poorly more often as not. It’s been a tough few weeks.
Then last night, completely out of the blue, my ex sent me a text asking if I was ready to sit down and talk face to face. I agreed to go, I knew the closure would do me good, but I never expected in a million years what happened when I got there.
I have to say this about him before I say anything else though. He is an absolutely incredible human being. He’s more wonderful than I know how to put into words sometimes and believe me, I’m a writer — I’ve tried — but some people can’t be summed up in letters and words and exclamation points. They’re larger than life and entirely too good to be true and my ex is one of them.
As difficult as it was for me to really grasp how we ended up dating at all, it was even harder to wrap my head around the fact that it was over.. or so I thought.
When I arrived at his house, I was greeted by the smell of dinner being prepared for me inside. Among his many other talents, my ex is also an amazing cook but I was surprised by the fact that he’d gone to all the trouble. I’d come there under the expectation that we were saying our final farewell’s to one another, so although I was pleasantly surprised by the meal, it was also confusing.
It was good to see him again though. Even under those uncomfortable circumstances, he was as handsome and witty and charming as ever. He asked how I’d been doing and how I liked my new job. I answered as best I could without feeling as though I was giving him more information than I was ready to trust him with and once that was out of the way, he spent the rest of the dinner telling me all about all of the problems that had culminated in his deciding to move away.
He apologized for how he had treated me, refusing to talk to me in person about what was going on. He said I was amazing, that none of his problems had had anything to do with me and that he knew I didn’t deserve to be left hanging, not knowing what was really going on.
I was so grateful for that. It didn’t change what happened or how badly it hurt, but it was healing for me to know that he realized he’d been wrong and was trying to make it right.
After the heavy talk was out of the way, he asked if I’d like to watch the Game of Thrones Season Finale with him and of course, I couldn’t resist that offer. GoT was always our thing. We read the books together, we spent time on every date talking about all the plot twists and sordid affairs and by the time the new series started, we were curled up on his couch every Sunday night like clock-work, eagerly awaiting the sound of that distinctive opening theme song.
By the time the show came on, I was the happiest and most content I’d been in weeks.. but then he tried to kiss me and suddenly I was back on my guard. I wasn’t expecting to end up in his arms again, much less to find myself turning away from a kiss, but soon enough, he was asking me to spend the night and although I tried to will myself to just be happy and enjoy the moment, I couldn’t do it.
I eventually ended up leaving without saying a word, but not before he asked me if I’d be willing to come visit him once he got set up at his new place. That’s when it dawned on me that he really never did intend to break up while he was still here. He was hoping we could just transition into a long distance relationship and that’s something I always told him wasn’t an option for me. Hence all of his avoidance. Hence all of my confusion.
I didn’t answer him. I just said that I had to go, slipped on my shoes, and left as quickly as I could.
All I heard him say as I was leaving was, “I don’t want you to go..”
I am not a patient person. I’ve never been in a relationship was so happy, so good for me, and yet so challenging to every self defense mechanism I’ve ever had. It’s hard meeting someone so perfect and then having the rug pulled out of under you. Life just isn’t fair sometimes, so try as you may, it’s difficult to make sense of it all and that’s where I was at last night. Speechless with fear, speechless with love, speechless with surprise.. speechless with hurt.
When I woke up this morning, I sent a text apologizing that I had to leave. I asked him to be patient with me and he replied back, “I understand. I just ask that you do the same..”